I had a conversation with a friend about mental illness and depression and medications. It was nice to share personal stories with someone and have them totally relate to me and get what I'm saying without judgement. Not many people understand why I call it "imprisoning". For a while I couldn't understand how I went from being able to do so much as a kid to all of a sudden being stripped of my skills and I have to take medication to function and attend school for the next 8 years. My actions and academic progress were documented - the reports were sent to my doctor who determined whether my medication was increasing, decreasing or staying the same (kind of like getting out on good behavior or getting probation).

When my father died they put me on anti-depressants as damage control, I was bouncing off the walls, couldn't sit still couldn't shut up and had a very strong love/hate relationship with myself. It was "critical" for me to be on them which I thought was weird since my school work wasn't much better and at 18 they unhooked me from them, no big deal. But it was like being released from jail because when I was done with school, I now had to figure life out without drugs. So like prison, I was thrown into this new world. I didn't last long and replaced prescription drugs with recreational drugs and I did some dangerous things and I went manic for a year or two. I didn't know what to do with myself and all along I felt like a robot.

This isn't me putting down medication and making it seem like they're a bad thing, they can definitely help people out there and they have, I'm just talking about my own personal experience and how lost I got. But I'm glad I got help and figured things out properly. And now you know why I portray myself as a "cyborg" in my short film, falling apart, and titled it "Redemption". Two websites passed on my film and while maybe the critics with blogs and contests aren't too favorable of it, I'm really glad it has done well for myself and my friends who have reached out to me to have conversations like this. It might be a confusing film, but that's what I wanted because that's exactly what the condition feels like. Step into my world.

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